So this is where the end begins

They say that everyday, you train your heart and mind to feel and express emotions. To feel happiness, sadness, joy, frustration, smiles, frowns and in my book the most important of them all, love. I don’t really know where I’m supposed to begin so I figure it’s probably best to just start at the end. It’s not really though – the end, that is.  Over the past few weeks I have attended multiple graduations from kindergarten promotions, to my spokesmodel’s high school graduations, to friends getting their masters degrees and everything in between. Every single time i’ve sat there and thought “what am I doing with my life?” I feel like that’s what happens though is we get on social media and see the people around us going through what I like to call “the cycle”. We all go through it, in some form or another. Some of us may skip some steps, some of us may add some steps but for the majority of us- it’s the same. We all know how it goes, we go from graduating high school to graduating college, trade school or settling into a career *if not all of those* and shortly after that the “look at my ring! i’m engaged!” posts. To the asking of wedding parties to be by your side on your special day, to the day of your actual marriage where everyone is waiting for you to “become Facebook official” by changing your last name and of course the honeymoon! Shortly after we start seeing the positive pregnancy tests, first children who we go all out for, multiple children where the milestones aren’t quite as captured because you’re too busy with #momlife and to eventually those kids growing up, graduating high school and the cycle starting all over again.

Nowhere in that cycle, does it tell you the crap you’re going to endure in your life. Because let’s face it, what we put on social media isn’t our real lives. It’s the small glimpses to where those that we have as “friends” can get to know us enough and still feel connected but only a few people in our life know what we actually go through on a daily basis. When I was a little girl growing up, imagining my life and where I would be in the future I would have told you I was going to graduate college at 22, begin my career by 23, be married by 25, and have my first kid at 27. What a joke. Why don’t they tell you that you’re life isn’t going to work out exactly as you plan? I feel like in my lifetime, I’ve had more thrown at me then I ever could have thought I would be able to endure. For me, it never gotten easier over time, heart breaks coming from whatever space, person, direction don’t get easier. It’s almost as if every time it get’s worse and you can feel your heart being ripped out of your chest a million times over. And while it feels like you’re going through literal hell in that moment, with time, you heal. You learn to inhale only the positive things again, you learn to push out the negativity, you learn to be thankful for the small moments in your life that ordinarily you would take for granted. Most importantly, you learn to believe in love again.

So this is where the “end” begins. As some may know, Ehren and I have been living apart for going on what will be 18 months come this summer. Keep in mind, this is nowhere in “the cycle.” Nowhere in my life plan, is my husband and I supposed to be physically separated. Here’s the thing though, and the most empowering of them all. We didn’t live separately because “I hate him”, or “we don’t want to be married”… yes, these are real things I’ve heard from people. We lived separately, because we both followed our passions and knew that our marriage could withstand being physically separated for a bit to let us both close important chapters of our lives, in separate places. Ironically enough, I received a text message from a friend today that has been going through some hard times with her significant other and it said “I hope that someday I find a love like yours and that someone will make me as happy and love me one day the way Ehren loves you.” This text message came in after they had seen a post I shared of a memory on Facebook from our wedding day a few years back. My response to her was “You don’t see it all and we have had our days, but I hope that you find love like ours too. It withstands all of the weight of the world and more. You deserve happiness.” Ehren has loved me in ways I didn’t know I needed to be love. He’s opened my eyes, to a more simple and beautiful life. He’s held me up when I was weak and has let me grow so much more in my passions by being my biggest supporter. What people don’t see are the days he upsets me, the days we fight and the moments that aren’t what I would call Facebook appropriate. It happens and we’re human. But we always make it a point to find our way back and to always choose happiness.

So, the reason i’m saying all of this. I am blessed to work with some of the most brilliant young minds, beautiful soon to be brides and gorgeous established women. Sometimes you may feel lost, sometimes you may feel like the weight of the world is going to hold you down. Sometimes, you won’t feel like you’re enough.

You’re wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong then wondering if you are good enough to find happiness, in every aspect of life. Will it take work, yes. Will you feel like you’re drowning some days, yes. But the moments of joy and laughter and REAL, honest happiness, makes it all completely worth it. Don’t settle. Wait for the person who will forever be your biggest supporter, your biggest believer and the most incredible addition to your life possible. I promise you first hand from experiencing the stars of highs and the valleys of lows, it’s worth it.

Believe in the best life possible with the help of the people who truly love you whether it’s your bestie, family or significant other.  You’ve got this. Just keep going. 

Photo by Justin Buettner Photography

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